As you've likely gathered by now, I consider myself something of a globetrotter. Just take a peek at my travel log: we were in London last month and that was right on the tail of my trip to Toronto in 2015. I know, you're thinking, "Wow, how do you have the energy to leave the country every eight years, you jet-setter?" and I don't really have an answer for you. I think it all boils down to my natural passion for exploration - it simply nourishes my spirit to go out and meet the people and see the sights.
After returning from England, I was stuck stateside for about ten days so it did not surprise me when that familiar itch for international adventure returned to my soul last week. That's when we packed up and hit the road to scenic Niagara Falls, Canada, where strangers become friends, friends become lovers, and favorites becomes favourites!
No, I actually hate travelling and we only went north begrudgingly because Dane had been badgering us to meet his newest foreign woman since she lives up there and can't legally enter the U.S. Don't worry, it's not for terrorism reasons or anything like that, it's just because she's from Asia and has a mysterious job in the Philippines government that she "can't talk about." Shortly after meeting us, she did boldly announce to our white American faces that she "doesn't like white Americans," but I'm sure that was just a language barrier thing. Nothing to be concerned about.
In order to avoid another tedious conversation with Dane in the future, I will not be commenting here on anything regarding his relationship with this person, but seriously, you should text me for the details because it's outrageous. Instead, I will take the high road and focus on reporting on the status of the city of Niagara Falls itself, which has warped into what I believe urban planners call a "Carnival of Poo" since I was last there a decade ago.
Holy cow, guys. They have let that place go, especially considering it is the home to a Natural Wonder of the World. Okay, I just looked it up and Niagara Falls is not actually one of the Wonders? How did it get de-Wondered? Did the Wonder Board take a Wonder Vote? Every list I found included only one waterfall: Victoria Falls in Africa. Insert fart noise here. And some Mexican volcano called "Paricutin" made the cut too? Yikes. I guess the Wonder people are no longer making lists of things to see before you die, they're making lists of things to see RIGHT before you die.
Even without the official designation of being Wondrous, Niagara Falls is indisputably a major global tourist destination, evidenced by the busloads of Chinese folks that show up daily to disregard the concept of personal space and take photos in a manner that suggests they're playing real-life Pokemon Snap. That being the case, you'd think that civic leaders on both sides of the border would have capitalized on this immense geographic opportunity by surrounding the landmark with scenic parks and beautiful buildings, right? Wrong-o! They instead jammed as many casinos, strip joints, pawn shops and night clubs into the city limits as they possibly could, attracting a bevy of impoverished degenerates, of course!
The first thing I noticed upon arrival was the garbage, and I'm not just referring to the folks who were stalking around in drug-induced stupors as if they'd never been on Earth before: there was litter and crap EVERYWHERE. I don't mean to spread rumors because I do not know much about the Niagara Falls Department of Public Works, but I am highly suspicious that the Commissioner is Oscar the Grouch. Because he loves trash. Now that I think about it, that city may have Muppets in multiple positions of power because only a Mayor like Bert would so allow many pigeons to congregate downtown and dump everywhere. In case you've forgotten, Bert is very into pigeons. It's a major part of his character, which is really strange, looking back now.
Another concerning observation was how many "adult" shops were on the main boulevards. It's not like there was just one kitschy place called "The Butt Hut" or something for comedic or shock purposes to entertain tourists, either. We encountered several of these establishments while only a stone's throw from the world's most majestic waterfall and they were called like, "G's Spot" and "Freaky Panties Incorporated" and "Ass Farm" and other tasteless things that you can absolutely not call a business in the U.S. It was a shocker, which I believe was also the name of one of the shops.
I vehemently reject the explanation that, "Niagara Falls is 'The Honeymoon Capital of the World' so it's all in good fun," because these stores were decidedly NOT the types of places you take your new bride, unless you are hoping to scare her away in some sort of a "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days" scheme or give her chlamydia in some sort of a Jim Carrey scheme. You didn't know about that one, did you? Yep, everyone's favorite Grinch supposedly gave his ex-girlfriend a bunch of STDs on purpose and then she killed herself. And he's from Toronto so I'm gathering that there is some dark, perverted, insatiable demand for this industry among Ontarians.
On top of all of that, there is one image that really stuck with me and has since awoken me from slumber: there was this ethnic, shaggy, vagrant on the sidewalk in the midst of what I assume was an unpleasant and pungent conversation with police. This dude looked like he had been scrounging around the streets of Agrabah like a Canadian Aladdin, but he was certainly not going to be wooing a princess any time soon and I don't even think a monkey would have wanted to be his pal. If he had rubbed the lamp, the Genie would've taken one look at this guy and begged him to use his first wish to allow genies to commit suicide. Fit check: he was sporting scraggly, dishevelled hair, a beard to match, and was wearing what looked to be a rug as a shirt (a magic carpet?!), plaid pajama pants, and sandals because everyone appreciates seeing unkempt toes in public spaces.
That in itself wouldn't be the most disturbing thing I've ever experienced because I watched Are You Afraid of the Dark? as a child, but this vile creature was squatting on the ground during the exchange and his entire filthy, brown, hairy ass was hanging out into the busiest road in the city. Everyone who passed would've made eye contact with his butthole if not for the farty forest of fur encompassing it, so I'd estimate that in the five minutes he was positioned like that, eight to ten thousand people were traumatized along with me. I wonder if all of us witnesses will develop a scar in the shape of a butt on our foreheads like Harry Potter's lightning bolt because instead of surviving the "Deadly Curse" or whatever, we survived a Dirty Butt.
I don't know, man. All I wanted to do up there was find a nice peaceful spot to hop into the river with my barrel so that no one could ever drag me across another border again, but everything was such a distressing, unsettling whirlwind that I couldn't even get that done. I don't even really have a proper conclusion for this piece because I'm so freaking distracted by how much I hate white Americans.