Are you aware that the Indianapolis Colts' rallying cry is "For the Shoe?" Ostensibly because their logo is a horseshoe? Why not just "For the Horseshoe" so that it doesn't sound like you're dedicated to footwear? Now that I'm thinking about it, we have five clothing-based teams in American sports with the Red Sox, White Sox, Blue Jackets, Knickerbockers, and Spurs. What the hell is that about? Plus there was the Lingerie Football League that we had for a while there until the feminists had to go and ruin it, but that's a whole different thing. All I know is that "For the Shoe" sounds very dumb and I'm going to be attending the Bills at Colts game this weekend so knowing myself, I will be so informing their fans, whom I can only assume call themselves "Shoe-heads."
We have a group of eight bimbos and mimbos (male bimbos, for any rubes who haven't seen Seinfeld) who are riding down there together tomorrow in a rented 12-seater van and I have a few reservations that I would like to have on the record before we depart. After all, if I'm about to spend 15+ total hours in a van with seven of my closest and stupidest friends, I might not make it back and this could mercifully turn out to be the very last Smoke Bandit Says.
1. Bathroom: I have something of a unique digestive system in that I can go nine or ten hours without peeing if necessary, but the other exit is like a terrorist cell that I have no control over and I'm always wary that it is planning a disastrous explosion. The sovereign nation of Smoke Bandios has limited counter-terrorism technology to combat this nefarious force so I'll just have to take a bunch of Imodium and keep my fingers crossed that we get to Indy with minimal casualties. A few of the other bozos we're travelling with will sometimes pee every 45 minutes or so, so I'm going to gently broach the oft-opposed subject of utilizing buckets after we've gotten on the road and I've already soiled one.
2. Farts: This is similar to the bathroom concerns, of course, but in this case, I am the least of everyone's worries. There are two dudes in this van, who will remain nameless (Dane and nameless), who are notorious delinquents when it comes to the vile malfeasance of flatulence. I do not know the specs of this van and am therefore immensely concerned about the level of ventilation that it offers. I doubt that even a nuclear power plant provides the proper CFM to keep up with these two lil' stinkers so unless this is a vehicle designed by Dr. Emmett Brown, we might be in for a rough ride. On top of it all, they try to be sneaky about it and act nonchalant while poisoning us, as if we won't notice that their buttholes are inside out. But we do. We do notice.
3. Music: The preferred music of the seven other members of this likely ill-fated Van Club is as follows: rap, rap, rap, Dave Matthews, Dave Matthews, Avett Brothers, Neil Diamond. I don't yet know if headphones are going to be poo-pooed by this committee for the sake of camaraderie, but if the above-mentioned songs constitute the playlist for 7/8 of the trip, I will be grabbing my trusty toilet bucket and flinging myself out the door while we're on the thruway. Or, instead of defaulting to suicide again, perhaps I could play head games and sabotage my first hour of DJing so severely with the worst music they've ever heard that it will force them to pivot to encouraging headphones. Although in a Catch-22, the worst music I can think of is the very music that three of them like best so that could prove tricky.
4. Trump Derangement Syndrome: Somehow, there are a few people in this group who are violently upset at the moment about how the economy is about to get better, crime will go down, illegals won't be pouring over the border, and World War III will be avoided. They are livid that American life will get exponentially better for at least four years, but they're not ready to hear that right now because they've been lied to by the media and the internet for a decade. I'm going to do my best to not bring it up, but if one of them makes a snide "4b" comment, I am poised to point out that having a robust 4b and 2A in this country is actually a win-win for the good guys, which will make things uncomfortable and tense, despite the truth and ingenuity that is reflected in the remark.
5. Losing: I've been to a handful of away games that the Bills have lost and it is without a doubt the worst way for an away Bills game to end. I had to spend an entire week in freaking London after we lost to the freaking Jaguars last October and it made me wish that the Death Eaters would bluster in and destroy the Millennium Bridge while I was trudging across it in my pathetic "Buffalo Versus Everybody" t-shirt. I was at the Houston playoff loss a few years ago and went to their zoo the next day where we passed by dozens of other sad Buffalonians, exchanging morose, "Go Bills," on our way to watch one rhino lick another rhino's butt for a solid 15 minutes before enduring two miserable layovers between the flights home. To use a literary technique called a "metaphor," if we lose on Sunday, that van ride back to Western New York will be like staring at a rhino butt and I've already done my time in that arena.
6. Crashing: At the moment, Danny is insisting on driving for the entire trip, both ways, because technically, only the person whose name is on the paperwork is allowed to drive the thing. I don't know how the rental place would ever know the difference unless they come across our charred remains on the side of 71 and cross-reference our dental records, but Danny is being stern. I've never perceived him as being a terribly capable driver, even in a regular car, and this beast is the size of Cousin Eddie's RV, so crashing is obviously on my mind. If the accident proves fatal, that's whatever, but if it adds time to our drive or leaves us with gruesome injuries, I'm going to be really mad and/or gruesomely injured.
So, if this is it, if I don't make it back, it's been nice to see that nobody has been reading these posts for the past 14 months. But I don't do this for the audience. I don't do this for the accolades. I don't even do this for the friends I haven't met along the way. I do this for the shoe.