It's cold and snowing here again. I suppose we all knew it was coming because it's Buffalo and that's what happens, but still, it's disappointing that the Earth can't help but abuse us every single winter as if it's Von Miller and we're his pregnant girlfriend. The weather during this time of year makes me wish that climate change wasn't just a hoax concocted by global marxists with the aim of enslaving all of humanity under a communist regime, but I also wish that Sam Smith would put on a goddamned shirt and that Von Miller would stop beating up his pregnant girlfriend with such fervor, and that is simply not going to happen. Pipe dreams, all. Grammar note for the dweebs: I elected not to capitalize "marxist" or "communist" in this paragraph because those folks don't deserve capitals unless it's punishment. Get it? Death penalty reference.
ANYWAY, as a kid, nothing was more fun than goofing around in the snow so we didn't mind the winters as much. Quite the opposite: winter was a magical time. It brought the possibility of snow days and sledding and outdoor rinks and snowball fights and tackle football at recess without fear of injury because the snow was our pads. Obviously, that last one was illogical because we had guys getting hurt all the time out there. Teachers strictly forbade it because it was a daily bloodbath, but it was Winter Magic Times™ so we didn't listen. The modern NFL would have pretended to be furious about how we handled Dane's infamous concussion after he got knocked off of a snow mountain and onto his head while receiving a pass in 2001. He dropped the ball, but we let him think that he made the play.
Now, as joyless adults, what does snow do for us other than demand backbreaking labor that ruins Jeremy Renner's once-perfect face? Without snow chores, Jer-Bear would easily still be the most handsome man in Hollywood instead of a punchline in an idiot's post that no one is going to read. It feels like just yesterday that I was complaining about raking on here (surprise plug! https://www.lakedefect.com/post/rake-against-the-machine), but shoveling might actually be the nastier task, despite the conclusion that I came to in said raking piece (more surprising second plug! https://www.lakedefect.com/post/rake-against-the-machine). I must have blocked shovelling from my mind during the writing of that (didn't see a third one coming, did you?! https://www.lakedefect.com/post/rake-against-the-machine) because last winter's twelve feet of snow kicked my ass so hard that I felt like Von Miller's pregnant girlfriend. It physically hurts me to not put a fourth surprise plug here.
Then there's winter driving that comes into play. Have you ever found yourself wanting to have no control over your motor vehicle during your commute to and from your terrible job while surrounded by other jackasses who also have no control over their motor vehicles during their commutes to and from their terrible jobs? If so, I highly recommend winter driving. Sure, it can be tempting to deliberately skid into oncoming traffic just to avoid going to the office for a day, but you must fight that urge, even though you could get lucky and die and never have to go in again! But you have to fight that urge. Admittedly, my car's performance in the elements is substandard because I don't have any money (see terrible job) so I drive some tiny Japanese crap, which could explain my kamikaze compulsion.
Perhaps the most depressing part of the season is that it's dark when I get up, it's dark when I leave in the morning, it's dark when I get home in the evening, and it's dark when I go to bed. I might as well shack up with Smeagol in the bowels of the Misty Mountains. That dude was way ahead of the curve with the whole keto diet thing, what with eating all those raw fish, and that might be exactly what I need right now - after all, dirty loincloth season will be here before we know it!
For four straight months, I don't even bother to open the blinds on weekdays so our plants are pissed, but their bark is worse than their bite. Like tree bark, because plants. I can totally understand how these short days drove America's favorite dad, Jack Torrance, to madness during his stay at the Outlook Hotel. The poor guy tries to slaughter his family with an axe ONE TIME and the corrupt media makes him out to be the bad guy, but I know the truth: the real villain of that story is the winter.
Now that I think about it, winter is an antagonist in most of Steven King's stuff. When I say "most," I'm really just thinking of Misery because I haven't read much of his work because I don't agree with his politics: with a name like that, he clearly supports the monarchy and I am a staunch believer in not being tread on by the Crown or its Tories. Okay, fine, I didn't read any of his books, I just watched a couple of the movies. That Pennywise is a piece of work, huh? Not as bad as Von Miller, but still pretty awful.
On top of all that, our furnace doesn't and hasn't worked properly for five years so being cold in our own home has become a lovely little winter tradition. Some families cut down a tree together or go ice skating or carolling to celebrate the season. Not us: every winter, we play a charming game in which we try not to freeze to death. We've even become chums with the HVAC guy, Chris, because we see him so often. He's told us that our Goodman two-stage whatever the eff piece of junk was installed when Bob Barker was still hosting The Price Is Right so I think we're just going to have to bite the bullet and spend $6k on a new one. That does not bode well for the quality of the Christmas gifts that we will be distributing this year.
And now that it's December, I have to prepare to be bombarded with the same twenty Christmas songs over and over and over and over until the calendar mercifully flips. I participate in the Christmas countdown like all of you Yuletards too, but I do it because I can't wait to not have to hear Mariah Carey sing for an entire, blissful eleven months.
I don't know, guys. Maybe I'm just a another victim of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or its appropriate acronym, SAD. I need to try to look at the bright side to get out of my funk - hey, at least the Bills and Sabres are playing! How are they doing? Oh. Surely not both of them? Oh. Well, did any players at least get arrested for beating up their pregnant girlfriend recently? SURPRISE FOURTH PLUG! https://www.lakedefect.com/post/rake-against-the-machine